Fiction-The Fine Art of Lying

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I did some investigating and the thing about lying in the ten commandments is a little misleading.

The commandment says “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbors” and this brings up all sorts of questions.

A few of those commandments, bear in mind, are pretty straightforward. “Thou shalt not steal”, for example, or “Thou shalt not kill”. Both of these are right clear….we should not steal and we should not kill.

“Bearing false witness against thy neighbor” is not, just throwing it out there “Thou shalt not lie”.

I argue that it’s okay to lie, by my own interpretation, so long as you’re not involving your neighbor in something he didn’t do with your lying.

Oh….who am I you ask?

I am Roslynn Stewart, not that anyone knows me from Adam. My claim to fame is being the daughter of the brother-in-law of a woman’s beautician who works on the Obama administration.

You’ll note I’m not that great a writer so indulge me. I’m more than a few people removed from the Obama administration but I am the one who came up with his infamous lie “If you like your health insurance you can keep it. Period”

Now the world does not know this so I’m just going to remain anonymous like some Blogger typing in their pajamas but I am way more a nobody than I should be.

Given my genius is what I’m saying here.

I know a lot about lying as I once got an entire college committee elected of nonexistent people and kept them all in power for over two years!

I know how to lie is what I’m saying here.

Back to my opening premise…I start with the notion that lying is not a sin for the religious folk out there. We’ve all been involved in those water-cooler discussions about “little white lies” that save someone’s feelings. Every guilty criminal who ever took the stand declaring their innocence lied and lied under oath yet we don’t go after the perjury once the jury finds him or her guilty. It would be overkill, you should excuse my witticism.

Animals, those guileless creatures of God as much as we are, often “lie” but they do it in many ways. The angler fish is the most obvious version of a creature that deceives others to its own benefit. God designed the angler fish so that it has some kind of appendage jutting from its head that resembles a fishing rod with a worm dangling from it.

So God designed a lie. Right there we know lies are not sins. But if our perjurious killer above were to blame his brother Stephen for the crime he committed, well that would be a lie AND a sin. It’s clear as a bell to me.

Parents raise their children not to tell lies and this is a big, big, really big, mistake. Sure it’s convenient to scold a guilty child into confessing about breaking the ashtray by warning them “don’t lie to me”. And if caught in a lie about the ashtray, and with less rights than the lying murderer above, the child shall be punished for BOTH the lie and the crime of breaking the ash tray.

The best way to raise a child is….well to tell the truth about lying.

Lying is a fine activity, perfectly fine, as good a way of earning a living as any. Politicians lie, of course, but of course. Oh how I love the sound of political lies and by me, President Obama is my hero for telling the biggest lie ever.

He didn’t win though so the lie about keeping your beloved health insurance is not the best lie ever. I reserve the best lie ever to be about Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. Yes I believe ole Saddam fooled the whole world, maintaining power by pretending to have nuclear power when he couldn’t even keep a reactor going that the Israelis didn’t bomb. Saddam Hussein gets my award for the greatest liar ever, for having fooled the world, and for having gotten away with it.

NO WAIT!!!

Well now that you mention it, that’s one of the pitfalls of lying. Eventually, unless the lie is carefully nurtured and groomed, sooner or later all lies become known.

Discerning and detecting lies…..ah, that’s the job of the surviving animal, the one that will go on and reproduce its genes that had them see through the lie. The angler fish loses a meal from a sardine that saw its mom eaten alive and knew to avoid the trap.

So okay, the angler fish ain’t Obama but it’s a point.

If parents were to really properly raise their child they would teach them how to lie effectively and to one’s best advantage and most important, they’d teach them how to detect lies and not be fooled to their detriment.

So many people in America believed lies that this is how we got Obama to begin with.

No I don’t particularly like Obama but I admire how he lies so well. Lying is definitely a talent and Obama’s right up there in Saddam’s league.

It’s those who believe the lies who are the victims. As well they deserve to be.

I had to form a committee of high school seniors in my second year of college. It was an assignment given the class by my Journalism professor but for reasons that are none of yon reader’s business, I didn’t have the time.

The concept behind it was to have constant judges of our work designing yearbooks , which was that particular semester’s journalistic purpose. Pleasing the audience and being judged by the audience.

Creating this phantom groups was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I had no intention of going out and recruiting people to judge my work, I knew immediately that I would be able to go with an imaginary group, piece of cake.

My roomamates, then taking this same class, really suffered through this exercise, constantly calling their group members, dealing with the disputes, sorting out the hassles. The intent of the course was to teach us how to put out a yearbook, something journalists do I guess they figured. It was a “reality” version of life but safe behind the hallowed walls of academia.

Which is why creating a vapor group was a simple thing.

I gave all my group members names and real email addresses. I complained about them to my roommates, I did the yearbook articles assigned to each and submitted it as if this phantom group had done all the work. Of course all was not roses and rainbows . One major requisite of the course was to have the professor observe a yearbook planning session, complete with all participants,.

It cost me almost a hundred bucks but I went out to a special school to purchase the services of four students.

When it came my turn to present my yearbook planning session, my four students sat around the table, all busy giggling and pointing to items on the table. They looked for all the world like a happy group of people picking and choosing designs.

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Of course I recruited my team from the school for the deaf right down the road. They communicated with each other via sign language and I communicated with them via the same method.

No I don’t know a “word” of sign language but I’d specifically instructed the teacher at the school to instruct my team to follow the expressions on my face and ignore any sign-language I may look like I am attempting.

It was small matter to explain to my professor how clever I thought it was to create a yearbook planning team out of deaf people. I hinted at how altruistic I am to have risked such a thing. Good liars makes themselves out to be heroes and I do it well.

I then spent fifteen minutes with my team as they did what they were supposed to do and I was quite able to insert my make-belief signing into their genuine but quiet conversations.

My professor told me how well I’d done with the narration of all that was going on and the easy flow of ideas. She was impressed by my choice of using deaf students.

Of course none of them could hear a word of what was being said though I pretended to be signing the professor’s words to them.

Oh it was terrific, need I say more yon reader? When it came time for my team to submit their evaluation of me as leader of the yearbook planning session it was small effort for me to fake four evaluation forms. I’m especially good at faking handwriting.

But that is but one example of lying and I did learn how to lead a yearbook planning session, which was the goal, after all. But I learned it my way is all and ever since I’ve been involved in politics but I shall tell you no more.

Obama, he’s just learning it his way.

Cause lies do have traps.

Next time I will reveal the traps and how Obama fell right into one.

Ending With a laugh

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